In marriage arguments and disagreements are inevitable. People are not always going to see things eye to eye. If a couple agrees on everything all the time there wouldn't be much room for growth for either of them.
When handled correctly, disagreements give people with different points of view an opportunity to see the world through a different lens.
It shows maturity to be able to hash out different perspectives on a tough subject without it turning into a war.
James 4 says,
Where do wars and fights come from among you?
Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members?
You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain.
You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask.
You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures.
Arguments start from two people trying to get what they want. they strive to get their own point of view across. It turns into a war or fight when both parties refuse to see from the others perspective.
So you have two people really being self-centered at the same time.
One or both parties want something their own way and does whatever it is they personally feel is necessary to get what they want.
This is done with no consideration of the feelings, concerns or suggestion of the other party. It is their way or no way.
Handling conflict in that way will result in an unhealthy resolve.
The word of God tells us in Philippians 2:3 to,
Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem the other better than himself.
That sound crazy right. We are supposed to respect another person more than ourselves? Admire them and what they feel better? This is definitely not the world we live in today.
To often we see people putting their feelings and concerns above the feelings and concerns of others. However, this biblical principle is vital and effective when resolving conflict.
If during an argument a couple would focus on the concerns and well being of the other. The argument would be short lived. Who wants to argue with someone who is showing care and concern about their needs.
A person can teach people how to treat them. That means you can win someone over by your good conduct.
Have you heard of the term you reap what you sow. Well If you sow peace you will reap peace in return. It is the law of reciprocity.
The word of God says,
turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it (psalms 34:14)
Okay, so what does that really mean? Turn from evil and do good? Evil is ungodly behavior or behavior lead by the sinful nature which is the old man.
But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth (cussing people out).
Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds; (Col 3:8-9)
Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; (Col 3:12)
In Marriage couples are going to be angry at each others. Anger is an emotion that helps people know something is wrong. It's an alert that they are not comfortable with something, kind of like pain. But here's the thing, noone should stay angry and let anger control their behavior.
The bible teaches to be slow to anger, quick to listen and slow to speak.
Couples are to be angry and sin not.
Good communication is key.
When a person is using good communication they are truly listening to what the other person has to say. While they are listening they are showing mercy. Meaning, the other person may not deserve your kindness but you are giving it to them anyway.
Couples should show humility, understanding the importance and value of their spouses feelings and viewpoints. One person's feelings and concerns are not more important than the other. Every issue discussed should have the well being of the spouse as priority.
Good communication should be seasoned in love. Meaning, if during a conflict a person starts cussing folks out, yelling, calling names, mocking or starts to be sarcastic, they are not esteeming the other person higher than themselves. They are letting anger rule their behavior, which is the old man.
If a person starts to ignore the other person or over talks the other person they are choosing evil communication rather than good communication.
It sounds so simple. In reality It is easier said than done. During a conflict it takes love to treat the other person good while angry. It's a choice. Couples have to be self aware to make sure to choose the right behavior and continually make a conscious decision to put it in to practice.
Love is patience, it is kind, it's not easily angered, it holds no record of wrong. It does not rejoice in evil but rejoices in the truth. Love never fails.
Love is not selfish. Couples have to put the needs of their spouse above their own feelings.
It is easy to be ruled by feelings. But feeling a certain way about something does not equal truth.
Walking in truth in marriage is caring about the needs of your spouse regardless of feelings. Choosing to do what's best for the success of the marriage and the others wellbeing. It's not waiting on the other person to do right in order to honor them, but it is honoring them because it honors God.
Colossians 3:14-17 says,
But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful.
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.
If you're reading this today and you are experiencing a lot of conflict in your marriage.
I pray that today marks a turn around for you and your spouse. I pray that God will give you wisdom on how to deal peacefully with one another. I pray that God will give you an unction on when to speak and when it is time to be quite. I pray that God will touch your heart and give you a renewed love for one another. Love that is patience, kind, with longsuffering. One that holds nor records of wrong. Love that does not rejoice in evil but rejoice in the truth. A love that never fails. I pray that you would treat each other good. That you respond in humility and esteem one another higher than yourselves. God I pray they will see the fruit of their labor and sacrifice in their marriage. Lord let their marriage produce an abundance of Good fruit. May it impact and bless those around them. Get the glory out of their lives God. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
Side Note: There are some conflicts in marriage that should be handled through the help of a trusted counselor or pastor. The bible teaches to have wise counsel. If you hit a bump in the road and can't seem to get past it, pray about getting some outside wisdom. Not any one, a professional Christian or family counselor ( Not Family and Friends)
Also, if there is abuse or infidelity. That is a whole different issue. It's important that you talk to someone and get emotional and moral support and advice.
The purpose of this post is to highlight where the root of arguments come from. If couples know what's at the root, they are better equipped in resolving everyday conflicts that can arise in marriage.
Thank you for checking out Sistahfied: Marriage Works Blog Series.
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